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2020-04-22 | Journal | Tub Pits

I started sobbing, silent at first, just the quick heaves of my chest, and after a good ten seconds, tears ran down my face. I was listening to Cat Stevens' song Father and Son. That is what triggered it. I don't know exactly why. I could guess, I suppose. Perhaps is it my relationship with my father. Perhaps it is a general perception of the loss of my innocence. Perhaps it is a perception of distance and time. Regardless, I turned off my Cat Stevens soundtrack as I worked, and switched to Tangerine Dream. The change in music eliminated the feeling of grief.

I worked for a bit more until I finished fixing the current bug in CB, and took a bath. I let my mind and body drift in the hot water and considered what had happened. I realized that it was a kind of pit, an abyss of sorrow. Sure, there were realizations to be had, progress to be made, but overall I am unclear on what is accomplished by looking at pain like that, re-experiencing it, re-opening wounds. From a dream perspective, until the full experience is faced and reconciled, the dream will recur. The problem with conscious connections is the idea of papier-mâché. It is possible to re-write stories with too much consideration, creating demons from mosquito bites. I remain unclear.

I’ve had a similar experience of sobbing and grief with some of the more powerful presentations on climate and the human experience on the planet, particularly The Cross of the Moment and Gary Snyder’s reading. To this day I can’t read Snyder’s poem without breaking down a bit. While another touchstone in this area is George Carlin’s routine on Saving the Planet, it has a much different feel. The Carlin routine is not in a pit. There is something about comedy that is common; it is on a different level.

I thought about other pits. What was the characteristic of a pit? I also thought about how pits weren’t something you just considered all of the time. It seems unwise to identify the pits and then go revisit them, peer deep down and reconnect with the sorrow and pain. Sharing pits is futile. It is unlikely that anybody will connect in the same way. Whatever it is that caused tears to stream down my face will likely not be the same for another person, even though they may recognize the nature of the pit and have their own version. More importantly, though, they are likely not revisiting the pit if it is a pit, for the same reason I switched to Tangerine Dream.

My considerations became more visual as I laid in the bath, and I realized that most of my life and the life of others was in a field of mud above the pits. I thought about the Starlit Mire:

Out spake a Star: "Be silent, thou that slipped! The mud that caused thy fall still mirrors ME"

I suppose we do fall into pits. Is this a different kind of pit than a hole? I’m not exactly sure. I thought again about the Starlit Mire. There are stars above the mud. I realized that the topology of this world was symmetrical. What I considered stars, intensely beautiful things, were likely just as impossible to share. What I saw, experienced as beautiful, with diamond-bullet clarity, had an equal pit of sorrow, grief, horror below the mud we inhabited.

We survive together in mud, then, pointing out our pits and stars to each other, but we are lonely on this plane, because we only share triggers, archetypes, and references. We create golems, avoid pits, long after stars, but, mostly we are mud.

dad mud pit

Articles tagged with dad on Mud Hut Club:

2020-05-23: House Move
2020-05-12: Freaky³
1979-10-06: Micro Slow

Articles tagged with dad on O.R.N.G.:

2018-12-03: The Cost of Computers
2018-08-07: Rock and Roll
2018-07-15: Great Grandpa's Log Splitter
2017-08-27: Imagination and Cripple
2017-03-02: can't be fixed
2013-03-21: You are Not OK
2012-11-21: The Hostess Entries
2012-06-02: Rainier Beer and Chat
2012-04-22: Forgot Hatred
2012-01-15: Colored Seaweed
2012-01-09: Old Pontiac
2011-12-13: RUST SW street
2010-08-30: The Wrong Ladder
2009-06-28: An Innocent Computer Move - Sunday
2009-06-27: An Innocent Computer Move - Saturday
2009-06-26: An Innocent Computer Move - Friday
2008-08-09: Old House and Fire Pit Dream
1993-02-05: Letter to Grandma and Grandpa
1980-07-08: Painting Houses, Digging Ditches, EOL
1975-03-02: Microdata
1971-01-05: Honeywell Computer Chip Animals

Articles tagged with pit on O.R.N.G.:

2018-06-24: DataOps
2010-05-26: A Song and a Movie
2009-11-14: Wiring and Other Music
2008-08-09: Old House and Fire Pit Dream
2008-04-22: Hot Rods, Earth Day, Nash Ramblers, and Timothy Leary
2006-03-28: Car Pit Dream
1975-10-01: Washing Machine Lids and Pits