2019-11-27 | Journal | Source of Anger
My job interview today didn't go so well. I am missing some key skills for the role. I had hoped that I could compensate with some of my other efforts. It may still be a possibility, but I don't feel good about how I did. Another thing happened, though, that surprised me. I was asked about why I left various jobs. She bounced around between different jobs and asked me why I left. She got to the time in 2009, and I paused, told her it was a little weird to get into this, but I told her that I left because I felt I didn't want to be trapped at that place. I had felt trapped before, when Yvette first got diagnosed, and didn't want to be trapped again when it metastasized. I thought I had a way out with the Supplements gig, but that was a mistake.
Bobo came in towards the end of the call, after we had talked about 2009. I waved at him as he entered, and he went back to his room. After the call I went in after him and reminded him to clean up his room and the bathroom as he had agreed. I started Dippy, our robot vacuum, and made a slight crack as I shut the door that I had to shut it because his area was so dirty. This was true, but I could feel an amount of anger that was out of proportion with the situation. I realized that the anger came from the interview. It wasn't because I wasn't happy with the interview. Interviews are to find the right fit. With what I know right now, without talking to the hiring manager, I am not convinced it is a good fit. Yes, it is a bit disappointing, but it is not something to get angry about.
What I realized I was angry about was resentment of Yvette and her fight with cancer. I had always thought that the anger came from my childhood. I wanted to escalate with Bobo. I wanted some relief. I wanted to be angry. I could feel it. Instead, I realized what was happening and just went to my bedroom and closed the doors until I calmed down. I figured I would just work on my software a bit, put some energy into that instead. Sean told me that I should tell Bobo how I felt and what had happened, and I decided she was right.
When I told Bobo about it, his normal half-defiant defensive posture on unscheduled talks softened. He was quiet, nodded as I explained all of how I felt, and where I thought it came from, and what the interview brought up. I told him that I realized I wanted to escalate with him, be angry with him, but that wasn't right, so I just left. I asked him if he could relate to what I had said, and he said yes in such an affirmative way, that I think he has similar issues. I asked him if he wanted to talk more about it, and he said no. Perhaps it will come up again, perhaps not. He seems to be calmer, now. I think the talk was a relief for him.
I looked on the web to try and figure out what kinds of things I could do when I realized what the source of my anger was. Ironically, writing in my journal was recommended, but my journal was non-functioning because I had added the graph capabilities for the presentation today, and it broke my regular journal. I got it fixed, though, and was able to write this.anger sean cancer bobo work yvette