2019-12-21 | Dream | What is the problem?
I have been angry and depressed about the lack of interest in my ideas, as well as the lack of job search success. True, I go through periods of optimism and am sure about what I'm doing, but yesterday was rough. Something a friend and IT colleague said a couple weeks ago bothered me. He made a comment about how it wouldn't work to just share my ideas with my friends. He wasn't being mean. What bothered me was that he was in IT, and it was clear that he wasn't considering the idea for his own concerns in his role, he was just adding value in a networking way. This is something I haven't been that good at, myself. I don't network well. My perspective is that I will get exposure due to the nature of the web. I've done it before. It did get me thinking about how I was likely bothering my friends. It showed a perspective that has been poking in, but I haven't fully faced it: these ideas are generally not interesting to the people I know. They are just being good friends or networking. I imagine there are some exceptions, but more and more I'm convinced that I just have to continue on with this blind to feedback as far as the overall value of the ideas.
With this frame of mind, I decided I needed to work on how the broader pieces fit together, so I worked on signalq. I scaled back some of the completeness for arewedown and areweresilient by making them focus on fictional Cruft Buster models instead of dealing with monitoring. I could feel the shift of discouragement that I've had many times in the past. Sometimes I will completely destroy whatever I'm working on, but in this case I was just scaling back.
Sean slept while I worked, and woke up around 2. She has been sick. I worked out while she took a shower and watched Aliens. Bobo called me just as I was finishing my workout and wanted a ride home from school because it was pouring rain, and he had no hat. I picked him up and got in a wee traffic jam on the main street near our house, and by the time I got home, a half hour later, I was angry, depressed, and grumpy. I sat in the back room and drank a beer until Sean joined me, and we watched the tail end of the second season of Twin Peaks and ordered some pizza.
I laid down next to Sean and closed my eyes while she watched cat videos. After about fifteen minutes I had a half-awake correction by an inner voice: "Do you know how excited you would be about the possibility that you could create this when you were young?" It is true. The array of related items, the usefuleness, isn't anything I have experienced before, and I have the opportunity to create it. While I know that parts exists in academic settings or very large, entrenched IT (TOGAF, etc.), there is nothing out there that is light like this.
With the motivation of the inner voice I got up and rolled back the changes I had made to Signalq. I then went to bed with Sean and slept wrestlessly. I dreamed for much of the night that I asked people about my idea, and they told me that the problem was I didn't tell them what was wrong with what they already had. In my dream I had them repeat this back so I wouldn't forget, because I knew I was in a dream (presumably). When I woke in the morning I didn't have a clear idea of what they said, but I think that "not understanding how what they were doing was wrong" is close enough.
Often I have those kind of restless nights where there is some kind of thing I'm working on and solving in my dream, but usually it is gibberish. This was the first time it matched a real, recognizable problem. I shouldn't forget the advice. It is likely a failure, a blind spot for me. The reasons why this makes sense are very clear to me, but I am soaking in it. I will have to introduce the problems I see at the beginning of Cruft Buster. Eventually I will need to talk through the whole idea as a video presentation, but I can't do that until I get the different domains built out.ouroboros